I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
