if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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