you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
