Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
