I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
