Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
