he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
