He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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