saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Please, let me fuck your mom
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
