apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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