I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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