Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Two words: blizzard sex
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
