I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
