Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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