I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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