We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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