I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
