I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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