Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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