cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
