Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
