I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
