Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
