do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
