Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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