Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
