what day is it and did you see me today?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
this is an emotional support booty call
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
