Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
