I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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