I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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