My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
