that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
