I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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