Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
