do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
