Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
