I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
