you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
