Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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