my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
