Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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