just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
