im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
