I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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