The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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