I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
