I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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