i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sorry about my life...
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