I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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