When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
