I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
