I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
