I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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