this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
